So getting ready for work this morning and I am having one of those days where nothing fits. Standing there trying to pull my jeans up over my "love handles" I wonder why am I a fatty and why does my stomach look like a cottage chesse factory. "Because you have three kids!" I hear me shout back at....me. So my mind wanders further to a future unknown at this moment and I ask "Whose going to want me in this sad state?" How unfair is it that I carried three children and look like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon that has the air seaping out of it and my X, all men for that matter, has no outward signs of being a father?
I say we start a ew ritual. Men should get scared whenever they become parents. Like those rituals you watch in Africa on the discovery channel where a young boy is rushed into manhood by a knife. But where to put the scars? Face...no maybe not....belly? Groin? So when a future lover strips off my X's clothing she can look down and say "Oh you have three kids. You look great for having three kids". Than men can experience the same patrinizing words us women have heard for so long.
Maybe I can win the lotto and get a tummy tuck/boob job. One can dream.....Unfortantly, dreams don't make my ass any smaller or my jeans fit any better.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Wed, Dec 10 (Finally Caught Up)
Up again at 4 am. Driving through the neighborhood everyone has their Christmas lights up on their houses. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. Besides the fact that it is 62 degrees and raining. I am so consumed with second guessing myself and trying to figure out what to do next that I haven't had time to enjoy anything this season.
Life is full of humor. I espically like irony. When you are no longer the significant other you loose access to the bank account, home computer, bedroom. I had a chuckle this morning when the man that I have been married to for 10 years and have seen naked endless times closed the door to his bedroom to get dressed from getting out of the shower. Lose of access.
And damn my overactive imagination. I still love the man and sexual desires as we all know do not diminish with the parting of ways. Sometimes I have all I can do from grabbing onto him and I saw his belly today while he was tieing his pants. It almost sent me over the edge. ( I was in the bedroom yesterday smelling his worn t-shirt.) Damn it, this sucks.
Like I mentioned before the X has found a babysitter to watch the kids now that I am working. She's fine, lovely, more than qualified with nanny experiance and early Ed college classes. It's handing over the reins that I dislike. I had to do it before, but it has been awhile since than and you go throught the whole process over again of giving up control and letting someone else care for your children. Damn it, this sucks.
Life is full of humor. I espically like irony. When you are no longer the significant other you loose access to the bank account, home computer, bedroom. I had a chuckle this morning when the man that I have been married to for 10 years and have seen naked endless times closed the door to his bedroom to get dressed from getting out of the shower. Lose of access.
And damn my overactive imagination. I still love the man and sexual desires as we all know do not diminish with the parting of ways. Sometimes I have all I can do from grabbing onto him and I saw his belly today while he was tieing his pants. It almost sent me over the edge. ( I was in the bedroom yesterday smelling his worn t-shirt.) Damn it, this sucks.
Like I mentioned before the X has found a babysitter to watch the kids now that I am working. She's fine, lovely, more than qualified with nanny experiance and early Ed college classes. It's handing over the reins that I dislike. I had to do it before, but it has been awhile since than and you go throught the whole process over again of giving up control and letting someone else care for your children. Damn it, this sucks.
Tue, Dec 9
I know I spoke about his family passing judgement on me and I can only imagine what other people think. I know that they must think that I have abondened my children, was reckless in my marriage and family finances and am selfish to leave. To leave my X to be the 24/7 parent, the mom. He's me now.
I wanted to tell all the woman out there that no matter what your situation take care of yourself. I know that if I don't take care of myself than I won't be around to take care of my children. It tears me apart everyday not being with them. I see this tme as an oppurtunity to better myself. So that when I do have an apartment and they are living with me I will be a better person, a happier person and a far better mom.
Speaking of apartments I am totally freaking out because that guy I meet with about renting out some of his house hasn't emailed or called me back about coming to see the house on Sunday. I am thinking he has changed his mind or I said something or did something I shouldn't have. AAAHHHHHH!!!!! So I spent the morning looking at apartments and roommates, again. And bedroom furniture, need some furnitrue.
I must also confess in act of anger, lonliness, and curiosity I logged on to some of those dating sites. SSSSSSSSSSSsOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the last thing I need right now. I know that. But I am compling my list for when the time is right. I can be picky and I can take my time till I find a good fish from that sea they speak of.
I wanted to tell all the woman out there that no matter what your situation take care of yourself. I know that if I don't take care of myself than I won't be around to take care of my children. It tears me apart everyday not being with them. I see this tme as an oppurtunity to better myself. So that when I do have an apartment and they are living with me I will be a better person, a happier person and a far better mom.
Speaking of apartments I am totally freaking out because that guy I meet with about renting out some of his house hasn't emailed or called me back about coming to see the house on Sunday. I am thinking he has changed his mind or I said something or did something I shouldn't have. AAAHHHHHH!!!!! So I spent the morning looking at apartments and roommates, again. And bedroom furniture, need some furnitrue.
I must also confess in act of anger, lonliness, and curiosity I logged on to some of those dating sites. SSSSSSSSSSSsOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the last thing I need right now. I know that. But I am compling my list for when the time is right. I can be picky and I can take my time till I find a good fish from that sea they speak of.
Mon, Dec 8
They say the longest journey starts with a single step. And sometimes you find yourself walking along with the greatest of confidence and than some days you find yourself wanting to run back from the direction you came, unable to breath, on the verge of passing out, on the edge of a full blown panic attack. You are thinking "What the hell did you do/have done!" That is the day I am having today. Sitting in what use to be my home realizing I spend almost 7 years here tending to the place. Trying my best to make it a home and slowly am disappearing from it.
The furniture I took so much time configuring has been moved. All my books and papers are packed up n the office with other misc items making it look more like a storage unit than my office. All the pictures of me-me and the family, me and the husband-taken down in the house. Surely he would leave up one so the kids can remember what I look like the way I hung a pic of him in each of their rooms when he was deployed... But no, I guess not.
The Christmas tree is up and strung with lights without me having touched a single branch or bulb. The decorations I spent years collecting and making-placed wherever he saw fit. It's clear that this is no longer my home....but merely a place where I pick my kids up and drop them off like an airport of bus station.
The furniture I took so much time configuring has been moved. All my books and papers are packed up n the office with other misc items making it look more like a storage unit than my office. All the pictures of me-me and the family, me and the husband-taken down in the house. Surely he would leave up one so the kids can remember what I look like the way I hung a pic of him in each of their rooms when he was deployed... But no, I guess not.
The Christmas tree is up and strung with lights without me having touched a single branch or bulb. The decorations I spent years collecting and making-placed wherever he saw fit. It's clear that this is no longer my home....but merely a place where I pick my kids up and drop them off like an airport of bus station.
Sun, Dec 7
I worked until 10 at night and I need to be at the house at 3 am so the X can go to work. I am tired and do not feel like driving all the way to my friend's house to sleep a few hours and drive back to the house at 3 in the morning, so I call to say I will be spending the night at the house on the couch.
He is sitting up on the couch when I get there. There's conversation and numerous passes and attempts to be physical with me. I told him that we shouldn't have sex. It won't change who we are in the morning. It will only complicate things. So back to conversation. Some how we get onto the subject of his family and how proud they are of him and how some of them are telling him that I am not good enough for him. I told him I want names so that I wouldn't have to send out Christmas cards to those who felt that. But all kidding aside I take that comment as a deep cut, a wound on my heart. I love his family, maybe more than my own. They have seen me at least raise three kids and take care of everything the 3+ years he was deployed and they know that it was he who broke our wedding vows by cheating on me. But I guess it is always easier to judge and critize someone when you aren't walking in their shoes. And since all of their marriages are perfect I guess they must be experts on the subject. I guess they can rejoice and use this golden oppurtunity to find someone who is good enough.
And so the back and forth with "Lets try and make this work " and "This isn't going to work" continues. It's like being Charlie Brown when Marcy is holding the football waiting for me to get a full run on and kick it and just as I see the small glimmer of hope that maybe our marriage can be saved, he pulls the football out from under me.
The X has found a babysitter. She's 20 and already I am annoyed because we agreed to interview her together, but was at work. The mommy guilt starts now that I won't always be able to be there for my kids.
He is sitting up on the couch when I get there. There's conversation and numerous passes and attempts to be physical with me. I told him that we shouldn't have sex. It won't change who we are in the morning. It will only complicate things. So back to conversation. Some how we get onto the subject of his family and how proud they are of him and how some of them are telling him that I am not good enough for him. I told him I want names so that I wouldn't have to send out Christmas cards to those who felt that. But all kidding aside I take that comment as a deep cut, a wound on my heart. I love his family, maybe more than my own. They have seen me at least raise three kids and take care of everything the 3+ years he was deployed and they know that it was he who broke our wedding vows by cheating on me. But I guess it is always easier to judge and critize someone when you aren't walking in their shoes. And since all of their marriages are perfect I guess they must be experts on the subject. I guess they can rejoice and use this golden oppurtunity to find someone who is good enough.
And so the back and forth with "Lets try and make this work " and "This isn't going to work" continues. It's like being Charlie Brown when Marcy is holding the football waiting for me to get a full run on and kick it and just as I see the small glimmer of hope that maybe our marriage can be saved, he pulls the football out from under me.
The X has found a babysitter. She's 20 and already I am annoyed because we agreed to interview her together, but was at work. The mommy guilt starts now that I won't always be able to be there for my kids.
Sat, Dec 6
Off to work and had to break it to the kids that we won't be able to do the gingerbread houses for the libeary contest. I called and left a message with the X to see if he would bring the kids by on my lunch break. On my lunch I called to see if they were coming. He said he didn't get the message on his phone. I spent my lunch houre in my truck with the radio and a snickers.
Fri, Dec 5
Today is my wedding anniversary- 10 years. Instead of celebrating it with my family, my husband I will be interviewing potential roommates to see where I might be living next. I am in contact with this guy who has a three bedroom, recently divorced himself. The whole day I am sick to my stomach and a nervous wreck. This is new uncharted teritory for me. Maybe I can't do this........
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