So getting ready for work this morning and I am having one of those days where nothing fits. Standing there trying to pull my jeans up over my "love handles" I wonder why am I a fatty and why does my stomach look like a cottage chesse factory. "Because you have three kids!" I hear me shout back at....me. So my mind wanders further to a future unknown at this moment and I ask "Whose going to want me in this sad state?" How unfair is it that I carried three children and look like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon that has the air seaping out of it and my X, all men for that matter, has no outward signs of being a father?
I say we start a ew ritual. Men should get scared whenever they become parents. Like those rituals you watch in Africa on the discovery channel where a young boy is rushed into manhood by a knife. But where to put the scars? Face...no maybe not....belly? Groin? So when a future lover strips off my X's clothing she can look down and say "Oh you have three kids. You look great for having three kids". Than men can experience the same patrinizing words us women have heard for so long.
Maybe I can win the lotto and get a tummy tuck/boob job. One can dream.....Unfortantly, dreams don't make my ass any smaller or my jeans fit any better.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Wed, Dec 10 (Finally Caught Up)
Up again at 4 am. Driving through the neighborhood everyone has their Christmas lights up on their houses. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. Besides the fact that it is 62 degrees and raining. I am so consumed with second guessing myself and trying to figure out what to do next that I haven't had time to enjoy anything this season.
Life is full of humor. I espically like irony. When you are no longer the significant other you loose access to the bank account, home computer, bedroom. I had a chuckle this morning when the man that I have been married to for 10 years and have seen naked endless times closed the door to his bedroom to get dressed from getting out of the shower. Lose of access.
And damn my overactive imagination. I still love the man and sexual desires as we all know do not diminish with the parting of ways. Sometimes I have all I can do from grabbing onto him and I saw his belly today while he was tieing his pants. It almost sent me over the edge. ( I was in the bedroom yesterday smelling his worn t-shirt.) Damn it, this sucks.
Like I mentioned before the X has found a babysitter to watch the kids now that I am working. She's fine, lovely, more than qualified with nanny experiance and early Ed college classes. It's handing over the reins that I dislike. I had to do it before, but it has been awhile since than and you go throught the whole process over again of giving up control and letting someone else care for your children. Damn it, this sucks.
Life is full of humor. I espically like irony. When you are no longer the significant other you loose access to the bank account, home computer, bedroom. I had a chuckle this morning when the man that I have been married to for 10 years and have seen naked endless times closed the door to his bedroom to get dressed from getting out of the shower. Lose of access.
And damn my overactive imagination. I still love the man and sexual desires as we all know do not diminish with the parting of ways. Sometimes I have all I can do from grabbing onto him and I saw his belly today while he was tieing his pants. It almost sent me over the edge. ( I was in the bedroom yesterday smelling his worn t-shirt.) Damn it, this sucks.
Like I mentioned before the X has found a babysitter to watch the kids now that I am working. She's fine, lovely, more than qualified with nanny experiance and early Ed college classes. It's handing over the reins that I dislike. I had to do it before, but it has been awhile since than and you go throught the whole process over again of giving up control and letting someone else care for your children. Damn it, this sucks.
Tue, Dec 9
I know I spoke about his family passing judgement on me and I can only imagine what other people think. I know that they must think that I have abondened my children, was reckless in my marriage and family finances and am selfish to leave. To leave my X to be the 24/7 parent, the mom. He's me now.
I wanted to tell all the woman out there that no matter what your situation take care of yourself. I know that if I don't take care of myself than I won't be around to take care of my children. It tears me apart everyday not being with them. I see this tme as an oppurtunity to better myself. So that when I do have an apartment and they are living with me I will be a better person, a happier person and a far better mom.
Speaking of apartments I am totally freaking out because that guy I meet with about renting out some of his house hasn't emailed or called me back about coming to see the house on Sunday. I am thinking he has changed his mind or I said something or did something I shouldn't have. AAAHHHHHH!!!!! So I spent the morning looking at apartments and roommates, again. And bedroom furniture, need some furnitrue.
I must also confess in act of anger, lonliness, and curiosity I logged on to some of those dating sites. SSSSSSSSSSSsOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the last thing I need right now. I know that. But I am compling my list for when the time is right. I can be picky and I can take my time till I find a good fish from that sea they speak of.
I wanted to tell all the woman out there that no matter what your situation take care of yourself. I know that if I don't take care of myself than I won't be around to take care of my children. It tears me apart everyday not being with them. I see this tme as an oppurtunity to better myself. So that when I do have an apartment and they are living with me I will be a better person, a happier person and a far better mom.
Speaking of apartments I am totally freaking out because that guy I meet with about renting out some of his house hasn't emailed or called me back about coming to see the house on Sunday. I am thinking he has changed his mind or I said something or did something I shouldn't have. AAAHHHHHH!!!!! So I spent the morning looking at apartments and roommates, again. And bedroom furniture, need some furnitrue.
I must also confess in act of anger, lonliness, and curiosity I logged on to some of those dating sites. SSSSSSSSSSSsOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the last thing I need right now. I know that. But I am compling my list for when the time is right. I can be picky and I can take my time till I find a good fish from that sea they speak of.
Mon, Dec 8
They say the longest journey starts with a single step. And sometimes you find yourself walking along with the greatest of confidence and than some days you find yourself wanting to run back from the direction you came, unable to breath, on the verge of passing out, on the edge of a full blown panic attack. You are thinking "What the hell did you do/have done!" That is the day I am having today. Sitting in what use to be my home realizing I spend almost 7 years here tending to the place. Trying my best to make it a home and slowly am disappearing from it.
The furniture I took so much time configuring has been moved. All my books and papers are packed up n the office with other misc items making it look more like a storage unit than my office. All the pictures of me-me and the family, me and the husband-taken down in the house. Surely he would leave up one so the kids can remember what I look like the way I hung a pic of him in each of their rooms when he was deployed... But no, I guess not.
The Christmas tree is up and strung with lights without me having touched a single branch or bulb. The decorations I spent years collecting and making-placed wherever he saw fit. It's clear that this is no longer my home....but merely a place where I pick my kids up and drop them off like an airport of bus station.
The furniture I took so much time configuring has been moved. All my books and papers are packed up n the office with other misc items making it look more like a storage unit than my office. All the pictures of me-me and the family, me and the husband-taken down in the house. Surely he would leave up one so the kids can remember what I look like the way I hung a pic of him in each of their rooms when he was deployed... But no, I guess not.
The Christmas tree is up and strung with lights without me having touched a single branch or bulb. The decorations I spent years collecting and making-placed wherever he saw fit. It's clear that this is no longer my home....but merely a place where I pick my kids up and drop them off like an airport of bus station.
Sun, Dec 7
I worked until 10 at night and I need to be at the house at 3 am so the X can go to work. I am tired and do not feel like driving all the way to my friend's house to sleep a few hours and drive back to the house at 3 in the morning, so I call to say I will be spending the night at the house on the couch.
He is sitting up on the couch when I get there. There's conversation and numerous passes and attempts to be physical with me. I told him that we shouldn't have sex. It won't change who we are in the morning. It will only complicate things. So back to conversation. Some how we get onto the subject of his family and how proud they are of him and how some of them are telling him that I am not good enough for him. I told him I want names so that I wouldn't have to send out Christmas cards to those who felt that. But all kidding aside I take that comment as a deep cut, a wound on my heart. I love his family, maybe more than my own. They have seen me at least raise three kids and take care of everything the 3+ years he was deployed and they know that it was he who broke our wedding vows by cheating on me. But I guess it is always easier to judge and critize someone when you aren't walking in their shoes. And since all of their marriages are perfect I guess they must be experts on the subject. I guess they can rejoice and use this golden oppurtunity to find someone who is good enough.
And so the back and forth with "Lets try and make this work " and "This isn't going to work" continues. It's like being Charlie Brown when Marcy is holding the football waiting for me to get a full run on and kick it and just as I see the small glimmer of hope that maybe our marriage can be saved, he pulls the football out from under me.
The X has found a babysitter. She's 20 and already I am annoyed because we agreed to interview her together, but was at work. The mommy guilt starts now that I won't always be able to be there for my kids.
He is sitting up on the couch when I get there. There's conversation and numerous passes and attempts to be physical with me. I told him that we shouldn't have sex. It won't change who we are in the morning. It will only complicate things. So back to conversation. Some how we get onto the subject of his family and how proud they are of him and how some of them are telling him that I am not good enough for him. I told him I want names so that I wouldn't have to send out Christmas cards to those who felt that. But all kidding aside I take that comment as a deep cut, a wound on my heart. I love his family, maybe more than my own. They have seen me at least raise three kids and take care of everything the 3+ years he was deployed and they know that it was he who broke our wedding vows by cheating on me. But I guess it is always easier to judge and critize someone when you aren't walking in their shoes. And since all of their marriages are perfect I guess they must be experts on the subject. I guess they can rejoice and use this golden oppurtunity to find someone who is good enough.
And so the back and forth with "Lets try and make this work " and "This isn't going to work" continues. It's like being Charlie Brown when Marcy is holding the football waiting for me to get a full run on and kick it and just as I see the small glimmer of hope that maybe our marriage can be saved, he pulls the football out from under me.
The X has found a babysitter. She's 20 and already I am annoyed because we agreed to interview her together, but was at work. The mommy guilt starts now that I won't always be able to be there for my kids.
Sat, Dec 6
Off to work and had to break it to the kids that we won't be able to do the gingerbread houses for the libeary contest. I called and left a message with the X to see if he would bring the kids by on my lunch break. On my lunch I called to see if they were coming. He said he didn't get the message on his phone. I spent my lunch houre in my truck with the radio and a snickers.
Fri, Dec 5
Today is my wedding anniversary- 10 years. Instead of celebrating it with my family, my husband I will be interviewing potential roommates to see where I might be living next. I am in contact with this guy who has a three bedroom, recently divorced himself. The whole day I am sick to my stomach and a nervous wreck. This is new uncharted teritory for me. Maybe I can't do this........
Thurs, Dec 4
The girl's had a Christmas Concert. My oldest played the violin and the middle child sang and the X came. It was a bittersweet moment. He has missed so many PTO meetings and school activities from being deployed and there he was two seats away from me, but really so many more miles.....
Sun, Nov 30
The kids come back today and I need to get all my boxes out of the living room and kitchen. And of course it is pouring down rain. So moving my stuff from the house to the storage unit isn't only emotionally draining, but a logistic nigtmare.
The kids had a great time with lots of great pictures, shells, sand and water to share.
I finally found a job. Start training on Mon. Told the X to find a babysitter for when I will be working.
The kids had a great time with lots of great pictures, shells, sand and water to share.
I finally found a job. Start training on Mon. Told the X to find a babysitter for when I will be working.
Fri, Nov 28
The one good thing about staying back from the trip was that I was going to get to see the Dicken's Holiday parade downtown, finally after 6 years of living here. I had been looking foward to it, if not excited. But now the day has come and am depressed. Unable to get out there by myself.
I am instead consumed with the task of cramming 10 years of life into a 5 x 5 storage unit. Time to throw much out.
I am instead consumed with the task of cramming 10 years of life into a 5 x 5 storage unit. Time to throw much out.
Thurs, Nov 27
So this is my first Thanksgiving without my family, without the kids. I miss them. I miss cooking dinner and putting up the Christmas tree which has been our tradition. I am glad I have something to pre-occupy my time. Pack Pack Pack
Wed, Nov 26
Today the kids leave for their trip. My friend is having Thanksgiving dinner at her house tonight because she has to work Thanksgiving Day.
Tue, Nov 25
About a month ago, we had signed up as a family to spend Thanksgiving out of town through a military program for soliders and their families who had been deployed. I have decided not to go. I have to instead work on moving myself out of the house without tramatizing the kids. Tori will celebrate her 9th birthday without me. So we have decided I will stay for dinner tonight and we will have cheesecake. I bought her a tee shirt and a notebook. I hope she likes it as much as the Zune her father got for her.
Mon, Nov 24
I want to start off this entry by telling you that you will have many people who want to give you advice. People who care about you and love you and some who have been through the process themselves. I want to tell you that this is your marriage, your life, (your kids) and you need to figure out what is best for you.
That said I found myself this day contacting my X's Captain to see if I had any leverage to get myself back into the house and if they could make him move out. I did this because it came as advice from someone I trust. Apparently back in the day in the military higher ups could get husbands thrown into the barracks so the wife could be home with the kids. Well I pleaded my case via email and than after his captain read it he called me to inform me that there was nothing he could make him do outside of his duties as a solider. I must say I was saddened by the fact that I still was without the kids, but realived because I did not want the house. I can barely stand to be there let alone move back and live there. The mortage is in his name which means to me that the mortage payment is his responsibility and so is the great deal of maintaince the house needs. So I am more than happy to find a place elsewhere.
That said I found myself this day contacting my X's Captain to see if I had any leverage to get myself back into the house and if they could make him move out. I did this because it came as advice from someone I trust. Apparently back in the day in the military higher ups could get husbands thrown into the barracks so the wife could be home with the kids. Well I pleaded my case via email and than after his captain read it he called me to inform me that there was nothing he could make him do outside of his duties as a solider. I must say I was saddened by the fact that I still was without the kids, but realived because I did not want the house. I can barely stand to be there let alone move back and live there. The mortage is in his name which means to me that the mortage payment is his responsibility and so is the great deal of maintaince the house needs. So I am more than happy to find a place elsewhere.
Sun, Nov 23
Something else I set up as soon as I moved out was a weekly meeting with the X to discuss anything and everything that either one of us has. I went and photo copied that parental agreement I describe in an ealier entry and wanted to go over it with him.
We seem in agreement of just about everything. We basically are writing down the situation and details we have been living out everyday since I left. Things aren't complicated right now. There are no papers filed, no lawyers, no shared physical custody, child support, alimoney.
I had given him some additional noted I had jotted down. Most of it was about division of property and finances. Basically states that nothing is in my name so I am not liable for anything and that I want nothing but my personal belongings. He said he read it without any questions, disagreements or anything to add. I went on to say "Can we agree that we won't be physical with anyone else during the course of our trial seperation?" That's when the bomb dropped....out of his mouth came "I don't think this is going to work". I was beside myself unable to breath or speak. All I could utter was that I needed to leave and I got in my truck and drove to the resturant my friend/roommate works out to hang out there.
The longer I thought about the whole afternoon the anger I got. He let me sit there all that time thinking we were mapping out how to move foward to work on our marriage.
I called him and told hiim that this was just another example of his lack of respect for me. As soon as he cme to the conclussion that he didn't want to make it work he should have hold me instead of letting me think something that wasn't true.
(Needless to say this back and forth of him wanting to try to make it work and than not has gone on since I have left. I stopped asking what he wants. The only person I control is me and I need to decide what I want.)
We seem in agreement of just about everything. We basically are writing down the situation and details we have been living out everyday since I left. Things aren't complicated right now. There are no papers filed, no lawyers, no shared physical custody, child support, alimoney.
I had given him some additional noted I had jotted down. Most of it was about division of property and finances. Basically states that nothing is in my name so I am not liable for anything and that I want nothing but my personal belongings. He said he read it without any questions, disagreements or anything to add. I went on to say "Can we agree that we won't be physical with anyone else during the course of our trial seperation?" That's when the bomb dropped....out of his mouth came "I don't think this is going to work". I was beside myself unable to breath or speak. All I could utter was that I needed to leave and I got in my truck and drove to the resturant my friend/roommate works out to hang out there.
The longer I thought about the whole afternoon the anger I got. He let me sit there all that time thinking we were mapping out how to move foward to work on our marriage.
I called him and told hiim that this was just another example of his lack of respect for me. As soon as he cme to the conclussion that he didn't want to make it work he should have hold me instead of letting me think something that wasn't true.
(Needless to say this back and forth of him wanting to try to make it work and than not has gone on since I have left. I stopped asking what he wants. The only person I control is me and I need to decide what I want.)
Sat, Nov 22
Took the kids to see Wall-e at the $2 movies. It was a cute movie. We also went window shopping for gingerbread houses for the libeary contest.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Thurs, Nov 20
There is a gingerbread house workshop at the libeary tonight that I want to take the kids to. I guess I will stay for dinner and than get them ready after to go.
Went to workshop and came home early because my middle daugher and son are out of control. The middle child has an attitude for whatever reason and my son realized that the class is just a demo class and to tell us about the libeary's gingerbread contest. When he realized that we won't actually be making houses he started hitting himself in the head and crying hysterically.
I have to remember not to take it personal. I would like to believe that the kids miss me and would want to spend quality time with me being on their best behavior. But they are just kids and my expectations and understanding of the situation is not theirs.
Went to workshop and came home early because my middle daugher and son are out of control. The middle child has an attitude for whatever reason and my son realized that the class is just a demo class and to tell us about the libeary's gingerbread contest. When he realized that we won't actually be making houses he started hitting himself in the head and crying hysterically.
I have to remember not to take it personal. I would like to believe that the kids miss me and would want to spend quality time with me being on their best behavior. But they are just kids and my expectations and understanding of the situation is not theirs.
Mon, Nov 17
In the book "The Divorce Organizer and Planner" it tells you to get a calendar and write down everything in as much detail as you can. You know you are going to be upset, distracted, drained and you can eaisly forget things. The first thing I bought was a planner. One that they call a "mom's planner". It has boxes at the top where you can write each family member's name on top and than write what they are doing throughout the day. This lets me keep up with what is going on with the kids even though I am not physically there all the time and it lets me keep track of my X's schudle.
So I have penciled in that through the weekend and tonight he has taken advantage of the kindness of those he works with who have asked him and the kids to dinner. I however am living out of a room at my friend's house. I get up at 4 am in the morning to be at the house so he can leave for work. I wake the kids up, feed them breakfast, get them ready for school and than drop them off. I still have a babysitting job for my other friend's baby until the 1st of Dec. I am going to watch the baby at her house because I can't stand being at my house all day, all alone. I couldn't before and I really can't now. I can't breath there.
So I have penciled in that through the weekend and tonight he has taken advantage of the kindness of those he works with who have asked him and the kids to dinner. I however am living out of a room at my friend's house. I get up at 4 am in the morning to be at the house so he can leave for work. I wake the kids up, feed them breakfast, get them ready for school and than drop them off. I still have a babysitting job for my other friend's baby until the 1st of Dec. I am going to watch the baby at her house because I can't stand being at my house all day, all alone. I couldn't before and I really can't now. I can't breath there.
Sat, Nov 15
You feel like a caged animal spending so much of your energy thinking of ways out of it all-how to make the craziness stop. And than you get that freedom and you suddenly feel like a traveler lost in the dessert with no direction and no idea which way to start walking.
It is hard to accept the lonliness and free unconstructed hours. I was so use to being a mom and wife 24/7 and now I found myself seperated and single. The first thing you need to do is make some lists for yourself. Stuff you need to take care of, need to provide immediately for yourself, what you want out of your seperation/divorce and what you want for yourself. A good book to read to help get you organized and help you ask yourself questions you might not be thinking to ask is "The Divorce Organizer and Planner" by Brette McWhorter Sember. It gives you great tips to get you organized in a stressful time as well as touch on all the topics that you will have to think about during this process. If you have children, I found the book "Building a Parenting Agreement that Works" by Mimi E. Lyster very helpful. There is a chapter on everything you will come across as co parents of your children with pages you can fill in making it easier to have offical papers drawn up later with everything already agreed upon and in writing.
Change can be very upsetting espically when it is so drastic. Take it all one day at a time. Embrace your hours alone and use them constructively-no bidge eating, drinking, smoking. It won't help you feel better and it won't get you to the other side of this situation.
It is hard to accept the lonliness and free unconstructed hours. I was so use to being a mom and wife 24/7 and now I found myself seperated and single. The first thing you need to do is make some lists for yourself. Stuff you need to take care of, need to provide immediately for yourself, what you want out of your seperation/divorce and what you want for yourself. A good book to read to help get you organized and help you ask yourself questions you might not be thinking to ask is "The Divorce Organizer and Planner" by Brette McWhorter Sember. It gives you great tips to get you organized in a stressful time as well as touch on all the topics that you will have to think about during this process. If you have children, I found the book "Building a Parenting Agreement that Works" by Mimi E. Lyster very helpful. There is a chapter on everything you will come across as co parents of your children with pages you can fill in making it easier to have offical papers drawn up later with everything already agreed upon and in writing.
Change can be very upsetting espically when it is so drastic. Take it all one day at a time. Embrace your hours alone and use them constructively-no bidge eating, drinking, smoking. It won't help you feel better and it won't get you to the other side of this situation.
Backstory-Nov14
My marriage had been in trouble for a few years now for a number of reasons and with both parties to blame. But what happens when you wake up one morning and realize this isn't your life; that you are not the person you wanted to be and this is not the life you were meant to lead? That is how I felt. I literally could not breath and felt if I did not do something about the situation that I would physically expire. It was inconcievable to me to think of leaving but it became more and more impossible to stay.
My life wasn't even a compromise anymore. It felt like a complete surrender where I had lost myself, where I felt empty-merely going through the motions of daily life and barely getting through the day doing that. So how do you leave a man you are about to celebrate 10 years of marriage with and your three kids?
I asked for a trial seperation with the hope of being able to work on our marriage and fix what was broken. He refused to move out, so I left. Here I am jobless, living with a friend and her extended family. What to do?
My life wasn't even a compromise anymore. It felt like a complete surrender where I had lost myself, where I felt empty-merely going through the motions of daily life and barely getting through the day doing that. So how do you leave a man you are about to celebrate 10 years of marriage with and your three kids?
I asked for a trial seperation with the hope of being able to work on our marriage and fix what was broken. He refused to move out, so I left. Here I am jobless, living with a friend and her extended family. What to do?
Up Until Now
This blog is about my experience through a seperation and what will ultimately end in divorce. This story starts back further than today, December 9th. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this with anyone else, let alone write it down somewhere. So I will try to get you up to date and be sure that the posts from now on will be less vague, more in the moment and more information packed. I hope that this information helps someone else make it through this hard time and know that I need you all as much if not more than you need to read this.
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