Sun, Dec 7

I worked until 10 at night and I need to be at the house at 3 am so the X can go to work. I am tired and do not feel like driving all the way to my friend's house to sleep a few hours and drive back to the house at 3 in the morning, so I call to say I will be spending the night at the house on the couch.
He is sitting up on the couch when I get there. There's conversation and numerous passes and attempts to be physical with me. I told him that we shouldn't have sex. It won't change who we are in the morning. It will only complicate things. So back to conversation. Some how we get onto the subject of his family and how proud they are of him and how some of them are telling him that I am not good enough for him. I told him I want names so that I wouldn't have to send out Christmas cards to those who felt that. But all kidding aside I take that comment as a deep cut, a wound on my heart. I love his family, maybe more than my own. They have seen me at least raise three kids and take care of everything the 3+ years he was deployed and they know that it was he who broke our wedding vows by cheating on me. But I guess it is always easier to judge and critize someone when you aren't walking in their shoes. And since all of their marriages are perfect I guess they must be experts on the subject. I guess they can rejoice and use this golden oppurtunity to find someone who is good enough.
And so the back and forth with "Lets try and make this work " and "This isn't going to work" continues. It's like being Charlie Brown when Marcy is holding the football waiting for me to get a full run on and kick it and just as I see the small glimmer of hope that maybe our marriage can be saved, he pulls the football out from under me.
The X has found a babysitter. She's 20 and already I am annoyed because we agreed to interview her together, but was at work. The mommy guilt starts now that I won't always be able to be there for my kids.